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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Self-Mastery:100 Voices for Suicide Prevention



10th of September 2014, as I lied on the operating table, my mom’s voice echoed on my mind before the anesthesia took effect, “You have been through your worst.” 

I knew she was referring to the depression I had six years ago.

There was a stark contrast between my attitude towards life.

Back then, I wanted to take my own life. I lost all sense of hope. I found no way out. There was no single soul available to hear my silent pleas for help. Sleeping pills and tranquilizers were temporary relief to my disturbed mind. What I remembered most was this constant replay of negativities in my mind. It irked people to hear the same stories repeated over and over again.

The psychiatrist explained the “chemical imbalances” that occurred in my brain and was immediately repaired by medications.

My mom was there~ she helped release the “anger” I had deep inside…

Now, I held on to dear life, praying that the surgery will proceed without complications. 

Jesus, the Way, the TRUTH, the LIFE



14th of September, as I listened to Fr. Barron’s invitation to allow the light to pervade the ‘darkness’ within… I realized that I had created a ticking bomb inside me that took toll on my health. God taught me humility.

I have been silent for awhile. My journey is known to my intimate friends and those who frequent my blog. 

People would often send me direct messages in Twitter asking for prayers for those contemplating suicide. I have left the front lines to my deacon friend and a psychotherapist who directly communicates with them. And this I say to younger friends who assist in suicide prevention, if you are not equipped, not strong enough ~ then find more creative ways to help. Raising awareness to suicide prevention is one.

And in truth, the key is inside…nobody can open the gateway to LIVE [not merely survive] but you.

Choose life!




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I thank Ms. Gabriel Acosta, MSW@USW Community Manager, who invited me to participate in the 100 Voices for Suicide Prevention.

You may also wish to visit Write Tribe to read more posts on #suicideprevention

The 100 Voices Media Kit may be downloaded to raise awareness the whole month of September.

You Matter Campaign is also a very good way to show you care. 
Be a You Matter Ambassador.

Follow these links to see how it works:
Download a Care Card and share.

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The Philippines has its own depression and suicide prevention hopelines:

(02) 804-HOPE (4673)
0917 558 HOPE (4673)
2919 (toll-free number for all GLOBE and TM subscribers)




Thursday, September 18, 2014

Self-Mastery Mystery [part 2: Rekindled Love]


Precious...

I have not fallen in love quite like this before...

I vowed never... but...

It was a gradual transformation from fear of 'relating' to authentic 'loving.'

He took me out for quiet walks...
with a rosary in hand.

We prayed the Liturgy at our different hours.





I found myself celebrating the Eucharist daily to confessing regularly.  He supplemented the day with reflections and spiritual readings...

He brought me back to that 'world' I thought I have already left for good.

What fascinates me most is how God reaches out to us in very unique ways ~ 

He is creative... "Love is creative...
unto INFINITY." ~ St. Vincent de Paul








Worlds apart...

You are "there"... I am "here," yet we are 'two-gether.'

born with different charisms...

itinerancy vs. stability

following Jesus in our chosen vocations...

lay and contemplative





This is the "mystery" we share in this love --  without boundary, love transcending time, space, distance, moments.... it's the love that we both are privilege to have found...
If you wish to know what truly makes me happy... 
It's the knowledge of your rekindled love for Jesus, your first love.
Fall  in love with Jesus till the end, never let go of Him again. 
He loves us both and gives us this time to feast in His presence.... 

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in Him and in each other.
So be it+

*in blue ink, excerpts from emails of my special love [I am grateful and very blessed to have you]*

Monday, September 8, 2014

Self-Mastery Mystery [part 1: AI NO UTA]

Light’s out... power lines were cut. There wasn't a single soul in the street... 
the wind howled like a hungry child in need of its mother...

and there, without the daily hustle and bustle of life, 

the Lord patiently waited for me...


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Everyday is a practice to greet each morning with a smile… 

I’m learning to receive whatever comes my way. 

With my hands cupped, I reached out for God’s graces…





What we had in Mongolia for the Medical Editors’ Meet was entirely unique. It was a quiet experience that will remain in my heart forever.





I had a blessed time with my brother ...

... and with the rest of the doctors who participated.

It was there, that the Lord established Himself as my rock...

He was preparing me for something...
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25th of August, I felt a stabbing pain on my abdomen... 

After three days of consecutive vomiting, I decided to see a gastroenterologist. I had my urinalysis, CBC and ultrasound done.

29th of August, my gastroenterologist referred me to an ob-gynecologist who immediately decided I needed an operation. The urgency of which came from an enlarged ovary that might rupture anytime ... like a ticking bomb waiting to explode...


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The little pieces of the puzzle suddenly fell in place [my low blood pressure, low hemoglobin levels, dysmenorrhea].

I knew someday it would happen but it still came in as a surprise... I received the news with calm. My family, bosses and colleagues were very supportive. 

I have always asked the Lord for a stigmata ~ that was too great a favor to ask for one who is unworthy to carry His wounds...

He gave me a tiny cross instead to carry with Him...

I thought of the people who bore constant pains in their bodies... those whose illnesses were incurable... the dying...

and at the same time, those who are inflicted with suffering because of war and famine...








People ask how I felt about the abrupt change in my schedules...
Surprised but grateful...

I embraced His cross... He embraced me in His cross.


How exactly do I feel?

Remember how our power lines were cut off because of Glenda [16th July 2014]?
It was sudden and unplanned...

Sans the things that gave comfort ~ silence without the distractions [tv, radio, laptop, electric fans/aircons, etc]... that's how I felt inside. 

The Lord before me ~ with me ~ in me...

versus, the howling wind outside ... 

amidst the many voices that kept us out of focus...
I just heard one distinct voice...

Ai No Uta
Song and Lyrics by Kameda Seiji (ex-Tokyo Jihen & Musc Producer)
sung by Ohara Sakurako

I heard His love song in an unfamiliar language...
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a preview to the next part...
~a gift from my precious love~

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